DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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