I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
