haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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