woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
