Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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