she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
