Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
