I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
