I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
