when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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