I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
