and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
