Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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