I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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