I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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