There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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