Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
