put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
