the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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