But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So here I am, sexting at work.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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