For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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