Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize