I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Randomize
