Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
