Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
