just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
