You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
