if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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