on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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