I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
