My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
