She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
