if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
