I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
