So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
