I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
