Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
