I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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