The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
