standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
