I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
