I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
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