I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
