The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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