I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize