I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
