I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
