you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
