So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
