My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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