I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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