She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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