I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
