ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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