fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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