we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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