Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
