she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
