I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk is a universal language darling
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
