all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
