i think my tv is drunk
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
