I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
