I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
