I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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