I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
