Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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