Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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