i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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